hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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