A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
