it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Everyone says I win the strip club
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
