If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
