I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
