The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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