i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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