i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
