I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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