He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
