got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
