Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
