I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
