I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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