I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
