if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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