My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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