dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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