Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
