foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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