Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm too high and old for this...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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