I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
