she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Ketchup is God's man juice
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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