Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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