so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think I sprained my soul last night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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