then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
