Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
