She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
a search helicopter?!
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
