theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
