Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
