watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
