I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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