Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
