He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
