angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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