I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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