My Higher Power is John Stamos
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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