How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
