it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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