sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
