Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
