I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
