Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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