dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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