I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
