so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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