your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
