I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
