well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
