I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
