He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
